Bubbly Laughter and Smiling Eyes

Dedicated to Sammie and Bubba

Laughter bubbles up in my throat
listening to you
sing out of tune with your deep voice
to a song on the radio

your eyes twinkle
as you capture my waist
tickling me in my most ticklish spot
whispering how much you care for me

the sun always seems to be shining
when you're around
we speed down the highway
hood down, radio blaring

my hair escapes its scrunchie
and is captured by the wind
grabbing a curl you twist it around your finger
a smile playing around your lips

shifting gears you turn to glance at me
a grin stretching across my face
as our eyes meet
portraying the joy in our lives

you're the sun and I'm the moon
you're the peanut-butter and I'm the jelly
soul mates sounds silly
but it is the only way I can describe this feeling

your blue eyes seem like the endless ocean
as I catch you staring at me
your smile sets my heart aflutter
and all I can do is hope to never wake up from this dream

I know I will never feel this way again
my heart beats a frantic rhythm
when you hold me close
you're my whole world and I know I will always be yours

Memory Lane

I used to remember everything that was you
but now confused and alone
that part of me rips free

~
Memories of us
worn and yellow like the pages in my diary
turn to dust

~
Hidden back in the farthest corner of my mind
whispers filled with warmth turn to ice
echoing all around me

~
Reminding me of my heart
now cold and sober
I really need to go

~
I want to take a drive down memory lane
but something holds me back
there is a road block in my way

~
You've been the very best thing
that has happened to me
in this whole world

~
I'm forgetting the way
you used to smile with your eyes
I'm not going to lie

~
I miss the way you used to hold me close
but my memories are leaving
flying away like a blue bird spreading its wings

~
Dawn comes upon me brightening my day
scaring away the hateful shadows
but I cannot hear your voice

~
I want to take a drive down memory lane
but something holds me back
there is a road block in my way

~
Your blue eyes are but a distant memory
like the song of a blue bird
shut your eyes and try to catch the fading notes

~
I really must go now
your memory is really nothing now
simply an icicle in 80 degree weather

~
All I want you to understand
is that I've been trying to say one word
this entire time

~
I'll whisper it so you won't have to wake
and hear the pain in my voice
slowly I part my lips and breathe

“Goodbye”

Waking Nightmare

Can anybody hear me?
I open my mouth to scream
yet my throat closes

Liquid rivers run down my cheeks
reminding me of the tears you once cried
and what we were

Oh can you understand what I'm saying?
because I know I can't
can anyone save me?

Am I to be lost forever in this silent horror?
even though I try
I know my smile is gone

I'm just so tired of pretending
I wish someone would break
these chains of pain and regret

The sun turns blood red
as icy fingers creep up my spine
please give me something to hold onto

For I'm drifting away
I feel a darkness deep in me
why do I feel such utter despair?

I used to believe
but now doubt consumes me
never ending night

My eyes slowly close
my chains are so heavy
pulling me ever closer to the cold ground

I just want to fall away
from this haunting past
that threatens to stay forever etched in my mind

From A Distance

I see you from a distance
your smile seems to light up my grey world
as you turn your eyes towards me
my heart leaps
but you see right through me
...
My dreams take you apart like a puzzle
and then put you back together
running fingers over smooth skin
memorizing every piece of you
until sleep flees from my eyes
...
I see you from a distance
I'm drowning in your blue eyes
as you turn towards me
I reach out my hand
but you don't understand
...
I go through my day
thinking of how it would be if I was your girl
how we would hold hands
hold each other close
and love like it was forever
...
I see you from a distance
I'm tired of this void that separates us
will my love be enough to reach you?
All I need is for you to open your arms
so I can run into them

My Little Sista<3

Dedicated to my sister Anna

Hair so golden and eyes so blue
I would swear she was Goldilocks
a heart so full
sometimes I think it will burst
...
In her world milk chocolate is in
and dark chocolate is out
she's not afraid of the dark
she simply likes to use her night light
...
She hates scary movies
but can't help watching them with me if I ask
she loves to tease me about how she is taller
even though she is younger
...
She thinks I'm conforming to the dark side
when I wear black converse and black nail polish
our arguments usually last
about an hour tops
...
Even though I'm two years older
her maturity level is probably higher than mine
no matter how much I tell her that she is a sexy goddess
she still refuses to dance with me
...
Out of the two of us
I will probably be the one to end up in jail
and she will probably be the one to bail me out
to her tattoos are horrid
...
She took a My True Color Quiz
and her color is green
horses are and probably always will be her favorite animal
our fashions senses are complete opposites
...
I'm not quite sure she realizes
how gorgeous she really is
out of all the music genres
she hates country the most
...
She is a hopeless romantic
she thinks diet Coke is better than Dr. Pepper
and coffee trumps both
I wouldn't trade her for the world
...
If I lost her it would be like losing half of myself
God only knows what I would do
if someone caused her pain
her smile brightens my day
...
I will always love her
for she is my little Sista

Daddy's Little Girl

Tears drench my cheeks
as I rush through the dark
hiding under my covers
clenched into a ball
I cry myself to sleep
...
I know you're not perfect
I know work can be hard
I know I can be a trial
but all I'm asking for
is a little understanding
...
Home from school
wanting to share my day with you
but you're too busy
a frown plays around my lips
as I drag my homework to my room
...
I know you're not perfect
I know work can be hard
I know I can be a trial
but all I'm asking for
is a little recognition
...
Hidden under my covers
memories from the past haunt me
pictures of you laughing
pushing me on the swings
capturing me in a great, big bear hug
...
I know you're not perfect
I know work can be hard
I know I can be a trial
but all I'm asking for
is to be your little girl
...
I know I've changed
I know things aren't the same
but still I wish
I could go back in time
and be your little girl once more

I Just Wanna Live

I just wanna live
keep your hands off of me
fingers scratching down my arms
leaving bloody streaks
I just wanna live
leave me alone
stop pawing at me
please I just want to break out of this cage

...
I just wanna live
pain shooting through my body as I scream
eyes rolling back in my head
hands tearing at my hair
I just wanna live
mascara black running down my cheeks
I'm breaking out of your too tight embrace
why can't you just see?

...
I just wanna live
don't really care about what they say
got an opinion please just keep it to yourself
my mask is slipping now
I just wanna live
your arms are like bars
separating me from the world
I'm breaking them now

...
I just wanna live

On The Dance Floor!

Breath comes short and fast
as hips swing in time
to the pulsing music
tan legs pumping a steady rhythm
eyes bright with the fever
...
oh!
lights flash
music pounds
bodies sway
...
hands gliding over slick skin
fingers tangling themselves
in tendrils of midnight
figures sliding up and down
the air filled with the heat of a hundred shadows
...
oh!
lights flash
music pounds
bodies sway
...
sweat dripping from moving forms
pressed together as one
grinding up and down to the pulsing rhythm
darkness only parted by the spinning disco
...
oh!
lights flash
music pounds
bodies sway
...
then out of the night sirens wail
burly shadows with glinting silver
breaking up the swinging havoc
pulsing music ends without warning
as bodies fall over each other to escape the sirens wail
...
oh!
lights flash
music pounds
bodies sway
...
silence so loud echoes across the dance floor
blackness absolute
with the shattering of the disco
forms disappearing into the shadows of the night
like smoke

Love Is..

Love is pure
love is kind
love is sweet
...
love is gentle
love is caring
love is patient
...
love is brave
love is forgiving
love is innocent
...
love is giving
love is passionate
love is thoughtful
...
But most of all
Love is blind

Continuing On

No one knows what I'm thinking
faces speed by
an incomprehensible blur
the sun is pouring sunlight onto me
but all I can feel is rain
...
time is so strange
always going fast when it should be going slow
and slow when you beg it to go faster
...
I need someone deep down
but I don't know who
...
a spark
slowly growing into a raging inferno
eats away at me
and no matter how many tears I cry
it won't be put out
...
no one knows how I'm feeling
feet rush by
intent on going somewhere else
...
the moon continues its steady orbit in space
twinkling stars
crystal cold and indifferent to my plea
...
I yearn to know what I am thinking
so I can know what I'm feeling
...
a pool of regret
leaking from within
becoming a raging waterfall
and no matter how the fever burns
I cannot stop the flow
...
the seasons
so majestic in there own way
continue on
...
I feel so misunderstood
I think the only way to go on
is to let the end become the beginning
and continue on

I'm Just So Tired..

Leaves drift across the sidewalk
clouds gather
the wind whips my hair into my eyes
...
Flowers slowly fading
dreams slowly dying
smiles slowly hiding
...
Trudging alone
my eyes aching from tears
my heart pounding a dull rhythm
...
I'm just so tired
thanks for acting like you cared

On the Brink

Why does life always seem to screw me over?
Why do I always seem to make a mess of everything?
...
I'm on the brink
no where to go
...
flames lick at my soul
fog clouds my mind
ice freezes my heart
...
two seconds away from pulling the trigger
then you showed up
took my hand
and showed me what it was like to be loved
...
wrapping your arms around me
you saved me
...
from the brink
of hopelessness and despair
...
you loved me

I Need

I need your eyes
for I need you to gaze into mine
...
I need your hands
for I need you to hold onto mine
...
I need your strength
for I can't do this on my own
...
I need your passion
for I can't make it over this rise alone
...
I need your warmth
for I'm so cold inside
...
I need your wisdom
for I'm so confused
...
I need your love
for I need to be saved from myself

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder
gazing up at the endless expansion of cold stars
...
Questions surge through my mind
so many that it is impossible to pick one
to find an answer
to explain this twisted web
I always seem to weave
...
My heart is so confused
I feel like a hypocrite
loving one then another
...
Sometimes I wonder
gazing into a burning inferno of fire
...
So many doubts rush through my mind
overwhelming my soul
entwining me
in this twisted web
I have woven
...
I just want to break away
I just need someone to understand
I just want to rip this mask off
I just want someone to love me

I Was Never Yours

I still remember your smile
and yes I must admit we had some good times
filled with laughter and quiet whispers
but don't you see?
Those good times were just a season
waiting to move onto the next
a space of time
a flicker of flame between two souls
but that space is gone
and the flicker has been snuffed out
I'm in love with another
he has captured my love
I've given him what I said I gave you
but don't you see?
I lied
I never felt that way about you
yes I remember the good times
a faint memory on the horizon of my mind
and that's all you are to me
a faint memory on the horizon of my mind
I was never yours so please
just let me forget

Summer Love

Summer scents waft through the air
delicate butterflies
flutter amongst lazy daffodils
a bubbling brook
tumbles and cascades over slippery stones
...
a weeping willow gently caresses the mossy banks
and all of this seems to be just for
you and me
eyes looking
searching into the other's inner heart
...
like gauze love wraps around us
making us indifferent to the world in which we reside
your arms hold me safe
as our lips male love together
...
sleepy and light-headed
we bask in each other's love

The Battle For My Soul

Tears drip onto grass
laden with dew
my heart is heavy with unshed doubts
who am I?
Who will I become?
...
Cold lips cry out to an unseen Spirit
blue eyes search for a meaning
a light to guide me through my terror
fingers clutch at air
my mind plays tricks on my soul
...
A Spirit is adrift in my mind
whispering encouraging words
...
Soft dreams calming my heart
scarring away the horror
evil lurks in the depths of my soul
then disintegrates as the Spirit comes in
...
A mask covers me
but when it is slipped off
how do I know the face beneath is truly me?
...
Where can I go to find the truth?
Oh won't someone tell me?
Terror creeps into my mind
waging war with the Spirit
unspeakable horror and brilliant light
...
My mind is twisted in a thousand directions
pain unimaginable shooting through my body
falling to the ground
I scream in agony
clutching my head my eyes roll back
...
Then it is over
a peace drenches me
slowly I open my eyes
my lips form a smile
as I realize
the Spirit was who I had been looking for all along
...
I was saved

Murder on the Balcony

Silence
the world is shrouded in night
eerie mist hangs like a curtain over the stars
as ghosts float over the quiet waters
...
Sleep runs from my tireless eyes
shadows flit across my pale face
voices seem to be calling
tapestries slowly part as if beckoning to me
...
My feet move as if they have a will of their own
out into the cool of night onto the balcony
fingers grip the balustrade
tireless eyes searching amongst the darkness
...
Voices just beyond recognition
reach my ears
whispering meaningless words
a chill runs down my spine
...
A small voice at the back of my mind
urges me to go back to the safety of my room
but my unbearable curiosity overcomes it
I stare ever harder into the night
...
Leaning over the balustrade I catch a glimpse
of something milky white and filmy
drifting in the blackness
goosebumps appear on my unfeeling arms
...
The apparition drifts ever closer
instead of fleeing I strain to distinguish the form
gradually I realize that it has taken on the shape of a young man
except that it had no face
...
Thunder rumbles in the distance
black clouds cover the full moon inking out every speck of light
a north wind yanks at my nightgown
pulling it taunt against my body
...
The ghost of a man floats straight up to the balcony
an unuttered gasp comes from my throat
slowly I step back from the rail
as the specter advances ever nearer towards me
...
My bare feet make no noise as I continue to back away
I can see the ghost clearly now
an unearthly being human in everything except for the fact
that it had no face and was completely transparent
...
A black hole served as its face
a gaping blackness that uttered incomprehensible whispers
dismay etched across my face as I realized I would not be able to escape
lightening flashes in the sky outlining the horror with an electric shimmer
...
Just then my foot catches on the hem of my nightgown
causing me to fall backwards
I stare up into the gaping hole that once might have been a face
slowly a tear crawls down my cheek as I stare in utter horror
...
Lightening reflects off of steel
a scream retching from cold lips
is concealed within the rumble of thunder
scarlet liquid stains white
...
A golden orb peaks over the trees
drenching the world in glorious light
causing every black shadow to retreat to the midnight places
that light can never touch
...
A robin rests on the rail of a balcony
and begins a sweet song
unheeding of the lifeless form lying in a pool of black
with an invisible dagger plunged into her breast
...
The little robin was the last living being that saw the poor girl
for no one ever truly understood what happened that night
the only thing that everyone comprehended
was that there had been a hellish storm one night
...
And during that storm
some thought they had heard a scream as if in unbearable agony
some say it was just imagined
but others say that there was murder on the balcony that hellish night
...

The Four Emocijas

SORROW
~
silent tears
crawling down a lifeless face
eyes begging for relief
rain pouring down mixing with tears
...
JOY
~
a perfect smile
stretching across a resplendent face
laughter pealing across the sky
mixing with the sound of tiny bells
...
HATRED
~
jaw clenched
thoughts of murder running through the mind
fists aching to make contact with flesh
vision blurred with red
...
LOVE
~
soft sighs
gentle whispers of affection
caresses so gentle moving over naked skin
hearts beating in unison

Take My Hand.

Take my hand
I'm frightened to go at this alone
I admit this world has me scared
my eyes searching for the light
I'm not even sure is there
...
Take my hand
hold it ever so tightly
assure me that even though
my life is falling to pieces around my ears
you are still with me
...
Take my hand
I need to know you're by my side
take me away from this frightening world
pull me into your arms
so safe and warm
...
Take my hand
and let me know you care

Let Go..

Words oh so gentle
like fall leaves whispering
across the sidewalk
...
a chasm
reminding me of the Grand Canyon
stretches between you and me
...
things aren't the way they used to be
crystal tears like tumbling waterfalls
run down my cheeks
...
my heart is tired of feeling this way
my soul yearns to escape
this prison created once so joyfully by you and me
...
but you don't look the same
and I don't feel the same
...
memories
like haunting ghosts
shimmer before my vision
...
I know we are changing
you and me
...
but my aching fingers
still try to hold on
but I find the only way to hold on
is to let go
...
I'm breathing in my memory of you
and in the next second
I let go

Are You with Me?

So many faithless years spent in wondering
wondering if You are truly with me
my love yearns for some small sign
to show that You will always be by my side
...
My ears strain for some unspoken word
but they hear nothing
oh where are You?
Why do I feel so alone?
Why can't You show me some small sign?
Or do You really not care at all?
...
My humanity aches for the warmth of Your love
pure and unquenchable yet I feel nothing
I'll admit I need You more than anything

don't leave me alone
please be by my side when I wake up

I Miss You.

Sleepless nights spent thinking
of once glorious dreams
dreams I never thought could happen
then never thought would end
blue eyes stare through the dark mist

surrounding my love
you pierced it with your penetrating gaze
now so distant
...
though you may not be holding me close anymore
my mind remembers every detail of you
like the back of my hand
that short time when I was yours
and you were mine
it was all so blissful until your soft, cold words
shattered my reverie into a thousand pieces
...
those words I will never forget
although I may want too
“I think we should move on”
still echoes in the depth of my slowly healing heart
my nights once spent in your arms
snuggled beneath the covers
are now crawling by with the covers all to myself
...
softly a sigh escapes my lonely lips
desperate for a partner
as much as I hate to admit it
my slowly healing heart still yearns
for your soft gaze and tender touch
but my mind knows better
knowing with a secret knowledge
that you will never be back and that I should move on
but oh how I miss you still
...
I know I shall never forget
but I shall try my best to move on
not to forget but to grow from the blissful memory of you

Running Till I Can Run No More

Running through the forest
bare feet pounding the ground
ebony hair flying out behind me
tan arms near my sides
...
Chest heaving
“Run”
my mother said as she was murdered
“Keep running till you can run no more”
...
I must run like the deer
but swift and sure I am not
I trip on a root and pick myself up
continuing to run
...
Trees dash by
dirt is kicked up
startled birds dive for cover
...
I started before dawn
now it is close to dusk
and even though my body threatens to collapse
I keep on running
...
Danger gives the weak the strength to survive
I will survive
so I keep on running
...
The sun is gone
and even though darkness closes in I keep on running
the moon appears
full and milky white
...
An owl hoots
a wolf howls
I keep on running
...
The night grows chilly
grabbing my deer pelt
I pull it tighter around me
and I keep on running
...
Dawn comes
I am still running
my body is slicked with sweat
but I keep on running
...
My stomach contorts in pain from hunger
my mouth dry as dust
I grab some berries as I run by
juice runs down my chin
and yet I keep on running
...
A new moon tonight
darkness envelopes me
I hear the panting of wolves behind me
I hear the calls of the owls
...
My spirit grows weary
my body grows old
a wolf runs next to me
and I am comforted
...
Dawn comes yet again
still I run
the wolf leaves
...
The day is cool beneath the leafy trees
now I hear the noise of dainty hooves
a doe runs beside me
my body is close to death
but my spirit grows stronger
...
I keep running
I feel as if I am floating
I look down and see my body
it is still running
...
I see the whole forest
I see the doe running beside my body
I am still running
I look around
...
I feel no pain
no aching of the legs or chest
I did what my mother said
I ran till I could run no more
...
I look up
I am drifting towards the sun
I believe I see my mother
she is smiling
...
She opens her arms to me
I ran till I could run no more
now I have my mother back
I run to her
...
Ebony hair flying out behind me
tan arms at my sides
bare feet pounding the blue sky

Perfect Yet Spawning Evil

Eyes blue as the ocean
lips as red as a rose
face as white as snow
what people see is nothing less than perfection
...
I'm unblemished
perfect in every way
I walk with a confidence that others envy
my smile showing my self assurance
...
Wouldn't you be surprised
if you were able to strip away the makeup
and see me for who I truly am?
...
On the outside I look like the person everyone wants to look like
my eyes glint with acceptance
and yet
if you looked closer
you would see a small undercurrent of fear
...
A current of anguish
slowly growing behind a wall of self confidence
pride and acceptance
...
Flipping my hair with a slender hand
perfectly manicured nails
I hide my fear deep down
in the depth of my soul where no one can see it
...
Living life to the fullest
laughing and loving
seemingly without a care or a worry
...
Yet deep down I know I am not perfect
deep down I would give anything
for just one person to know me for who I truly am
to know my evil secrets
my darkest fears
my inner mind
and yet
I know I cannot
for then what would people think of me?
...
I hide it all
beneath a mask of perfection
perfect eyes
perfect smile
perfect body
and yet
deep down I am as ugly as you could ever imagine
...
Deep
deep
deep
deep
deep
deep
deep
down
where the evil abounds and spawns a wicked brood
where my heart shrivels into itself
lies black as night reside
and promises never kept wither and die
...
This is my true self
but show myself I cannot
...
Yet don't you see?
If I show my true self to the world
I would be shunned
my friends lost
my dreams and hopes shattered
I cannot
...
How I wish I could become that pig-nosed girl
I so often ignored
for though she may be ugly
she shined with an inner light of peace
...
No one knows who I am
and no one ever shall
...
Unless a miracle happens I shall stay the way I am
perfect on the outside
and evil on the inside
...
Eyes blue as the ocean
lips as red as a rose
face as white as snow
what people see is nothing less than perfection
if only they could strip the mask away!
...

Murderess

Knife hovering between
you and me
quicksilver eyes piercing
into the depths of a haunting soul
...
screams stemming from aching longing
retching from lush lips
metal plunging into flesh up to the hilt
...
head pounding with the beating of my heart
echoing one word
MURDER
but don't you see?
...
As your blue eyes glaze over
I needed to show you the pain
the pain that wracked my body
as you played your bewitching game
...
a soft sigh escapes your soft lips
lids slowly closing
as scarlet liquid bubbles forth
falling to the floor
as if in slow motion
you lie in a pool of blood and regret
...
the last word you utter before your heart gives out
“MURDERESS”
but you must understand!
...
I couldn't take the pain
the agony you forced me through every day
those blue eyes
were supposed to be mine
...
I know I should be strong
but the pain was just to much
I needed release
from the pain you were putting me through
...
escape was all I could think of
my heart beat with one thought
I was dying
and you were so inviting
yet aching fingers reached for something
that was just beyond them
...
I stare at your unmoving lips
fantasizing that you have whispered
“MURDERESS”
...
quicksilver eyes leaking silent tears
each one a diamond torn from my heart
I'm not sorry for what I have done
I'm just sorry that I let you put me through such agony
...
Pulling the knife from your chest
I slowly wipe it across my fading jeans
leaving tracks of red
then I plunged it into my own chest
...
gasping I collapse next to you
for although you put me through so much sadness
my heart is still yours
I cannot live without you
slowly lids close over quicksilver eyes
while my heart beats one thought
“RELEASE”

Thinking of you

Sometimes I catch myself
thinking of you
a dried whisper of a memory
adrift on the breeze
will I ever forget?
Will I ever be able to forgive your haunting self?
Or am I just a dried corpse
left over from your forgotten mind?
Tired eyes dripping transparent tears
torn hopes
mingling with torn pieces of my heart
will I ever be able to understand
your cold whisper in my ear?
Words meaning one dream
yet ending in a nightmare
even after you say
“It's over”
your eyes still plague my unwaking thoughts
please
when you say
“It's over”
just let be over

because I can't go on like this
thinking of you
in my thoughts and dreams

By My Window

Sitting here
by my window
I watch people going by
...
girls in petticoats
boys is trousers
women with parasol
men with top hats
they all go by my window
and I watch them
...
baby girls in pink
baby boys in blue
old ladies with bonnets
old gentlemen with suspenders
they all go by my window
and I watch them
...
They all rush by
ignorant of me
I don't know them
and they don't know me
but still I watch them
as they hurry on with their lives
...
Then one stops
a young girl with a rag doll under her arm
she waves to me
I wave back
then she runs away
back to her friends
and I keep on watching
...
Sitting here
watching people going on with their lives
by my window

In The Mirror

I look in the mirror
I am white
not a mark nor a blemish to be seen
I am perfect
a lily white
...
The I started to change
the world looked so enticing
I wanted to be free
I felt like I was being kept back
...
I made friends
but they weren't the right ones
I didn't think it would matter
what's a little swearing?
My friends do it
what's a little tattoo?
My friends have them
...
But now when I look in the mirror
I am not white
I am not blemish free
what has happened?
...
My perfect witness has been marred
I now see little, ugly stains
well there really little maybe no one will notice
it can't mean anything
...
Oh how I wish I had turned around when I had the chance
I thought no one would notice
I thought I could handle it on my own
I couldn't
...
Drunk I staggered around with my boyfriend
laughing at crude jokes
smoking myself into black oblivion
sharing a bed with another
...
I tried to make myself believe I was fine
I didn't look at myself in the mirror anymore
but deep down I knew the truth
my tiny stains had merged into one
...
My whiteness had turned to blackness
I will never be the same
because I have flaunted myself
it has led to this
...
Will I ever be white again?
Will I never be the same?
“No”
a little voice whispers
“You will never be the same”
...
I stare at myself in the mirror
black and ugly
tears streaming down my marred face
I don't want this
...
“I'm sorry”
I sob
covering my face with my hands
“Please just make me white again!”
...
Suddenly I feel something pouring down my face
I look in the mirror
it's blood
red and vibrant covering me
...
I fall to my knees
the blood continues to flow
mixing with my tears
covering me in red
...
Laying down
I sink into oblivion
peace seeps into me
along with the scarlet liquid
...
Waking up with peace on my mind
I look at myself in the mirror
I am white
by the blood of the Savior

Heartbreak

My heart swells
I catch him looking at me
ocean blue eyes filling my own
they hold promise
...
I wait by the phone hoping
the phone rings
my heart leaps
I answer eagerly
it's him
...
He asks me out
how can I refuse?
My heart pounding
do I look alright?
...
Driving down the road
windows rolled down
music blaring a love song
wind pulling my hair loose
...
Stars twinkling in the night
his arms around me
ocean blue eyes filling my own
lips collide
...
A perfect day
a perfect night
a perfect summer
perfection never lasts
...
Walking down the street
I spy my love with another
his arms around her
like he once did with me
...
My mind confused
It's over he says
my heart wounded
what did I do wrong?
...
Once he shared my feelings
once he shared my thoughts
once he shared my dreams
now he throws it all away
...
Do I mean nothing?
What is wrong with me?
Am I simply another toy?
To be played with and then discarded?
...
Do I not have feelings?
Do I not mean something?
I gave the owner of those ocean blue eyes
my heart
...
Full of love for him
now my heart is torn
I can love no more
for my love was accepted then rejected
...
My heart is broken

Call On Me and I Will Rescue You

A cool breeze
ruffles my umber hair
I dangle my feet over the embankment
into the quiet pool
little fishes
tickling the bottoms of my feet
golden rays
reflecting off of the still water
and shining into my squinting eyes
lifting my arms in the air
I drop backwards and lie on my back
I close my eyes
and wonder at the majesty
of creation and the One who established it
twining the grass around my fingers
plucking a daisy here and there
I create my own little crown
setting it on top of my head
I turn to look at my reflection
in the calm water
wondering at the majesty
of human beings and the One who formed them
twirling a twig in the water
amongst the little fishes
creating small currents of mine own
I smile in perfect happiness
and contentment
sensing the sun's heat upon my back
I rise to my feet
and wander along the embankment
to lay beneath a weeping willow
the shade stretching over my head
and I wonder at the majesty
of creation and the One who established it
slowly
gradually
my eyes flutter closed
and I find myself in a different land
I'm standing a top a cliff
I hear the pounding of waves
I feel the wind whipping around me
I taste the salt spray on my tongue
I smell the wetness of invisible rain drops in the air
I see...nothing
blackness
utterly consumes me
fear starts to chew at my mind
my eyes strain for something
anything to focus on
but there is only emptiness
slowly the sound of the breaking waves abates
the wind dies and my hair settles
the taste of salt leaves my mouth
I smell nothing
just blackness fills my nose and mouth
a thick suffocating nonexistence
I gasp
my lungs burn I need air
I'm not getting enough
my knees bend and I slam into hard gravel
my arms cover my ears
trying to block out the sound of emptiness
I feel pain
but from what I don't know
trickles of blood start to run down my face and my arms
I scream
my mind gone wild with terror
something is out there
watching me
waiting
it wants to destroy me
the gravel bites into my knees
I slam my fist into the hard and torturing rock
my knuckles breaking open
blood spills onto black earth
mixing together in painful swirls
I scream again
no!
I will not submit to the terror that grips me
I raise my fist in defiance
and stagger to my feet
I sense eyes on me
millions of eyes
flickering with blood lust
my defiance is immediately subdued
and again I slam into the unyielding blackness
my spirit vanquished
I lie bleeding
a small cry escapes my lips
tears mix with grime and blood
the eyes are closer now
still staring
still waiting
still flickering with blood lust
they can smell it on me
they can smell my fear
my defeat
slowly I slip into a grateful stupor
my mind overrun with terror accepts the blackness
I feel it leaking out of me
blackness trickles out of my eyes
nose
and mouth
along with blood
and water
but as I start to fade
something tickles the back of my mind
a question
a challenge
a whisper
Why is it that you worship Me so easily when things are going well?
Apart from Me you can do nothing
but with Me you can do anything
Call on me and you shall be rescued
get up
and embrace your faith
get up!
GET UP!
I jerk back from my subconsciousness
before the pain can get to me
I rise
pain flares through my body
I can't do it on my own
but through Him I can do anything
terror rips through me
I gasp
choking
I can't do it
I am going to die
no!
I believe!
I need You!
I BELIEVE!
I stand there gasping
but nothing happens
doubt begins to work at my mind
have You abandoned me?
No
I will not give up on my faith
no matter what happens
I stare into the darkness
my mind threatens to succumb
but I beat back the terror and doubt and pain
I search
for the promised light
slowly
I notice a pin point of light in the distance
hovering on the horizon
I stretch out my fingers towards it
but I cannot reach it
I reach with all my strength with all my power
the millions of eyes mock
they torture and laugh
I cry out with hopelessness
why have You teased me with this bit of hope?
Trust Me
I can't
I will fall
and my body dashed amongst the rocks
Trust Me
I can't!
Trust Me
I cry out in desperation
tears leaking from my eyes
I look towards the small light
it is still there
unwavering
Trust Me
with a wrenching sob I leap off of my cliff
I'm falling into blackness
I hear cackling
I sense defeat
and then I'm falling into light
a blinding hot searing light
I scream as all doubt is burned from my mind
I'm floating amongst points of light
Whenever you need Me I am there
Call on Me and I shall rescue
Trust Me
I trust You
I believe with all my heart
my eyes flutter open
was it all a figment of my imagination?
My eyes glance around
the weeping willow leans over me
I hear a bluebird singing
a soft breeze ruffles my hair
the sun's golden rays play with the water
casting reflections on my face
I look at my legs and arms
all tracks of pain erased
I brush my face with my fingertips
no injuries
did it really happen or was it just a dream?
Then quietly a whisper
drifts on the breeze
Trust Me
and I knew that it had truly happened
whether in my mind or in life
it didn't matter
I knew He would be with me forever
so under the weeping willow
beside the quiet pool
reflecting the sun's rays
I gave up a little prayer
of thanksgiving to the One who protects

I Am Not Alone

The house is dark
I am alone
I am afraid
I hear a noise
was it the creak of the stairs?
or the opening of a door?
why am I so afraid?
I lie in my bed
hiding beneath my covers
I feel something hideous creeping towards me
If I move it will kill
If I stay it will kill
I stay
unmoving
I hear its long talons scrape the floor
I smell its foul breath in the air
I cannot see
I am afraid
no one knows of my terror
no one to come to my rescue
I sense its muscles tensing
getting ready to pounce
I hear it roar
I know I am going to die
I scream
waiting for death to come
but I feel nothing
I cautiously turn
I see the creature's eyes
red and evil
staring into my own
but I am not afraid
the creature is held in the grip of my Protector
my Protector with fair wings
my Protector that radiates a white light
He takes the evil creature that would do me harm
and in an instant the creature is gone
vanished away from me
I now look up into eyes full of love and tenderness
those eyes belong to my Protector
I am safe
gently He brushes my face with his wings
closing my eyes
I am afraid no more
I am not alone

Out of Darkness

Darkness
I am surrounded by it
there is no light
I cannot see
my life is shrouded in shadows
no colors
except black and gray
I cannot see my face
I cannot see my brother's face
what is a rainbow?
A splash of color
a streak of beauty
I'll never know
a vibrant blossom?
Describe it to me
a lake sparkling with golden flashes of sun?
Let me feel it
I will never witness these things
because my life consist of two colors
black and gray
my future looks bleak
I shall never see my lover's face
or the flickering of fireflies
I don't have any hope
I lost that years ago
I hide farther away
into my world of black and gray
but then I hear something
I strain to hear better
a whisper?
I pull myself out of my despair
searching
the voice sounds kind and full of love
it's calling me
I walk slowly
hesitantly
it encourages me
I am guided by its warmth
it's asking me what I desire
my heart yearns for only one thing
I want to see
I feel a power commanding my sightless eyes
then suddenly
I see movement
I see color
a face is before me
tears of happiness stream down my cheeks
the man wipes them away
and with those tears my despair
I had carries as my life
I looked into His eyes
overflowing with compassion
love
and mercy
because of that man
I can now see
the stunning whiteness of the snow
the new crocuses pushing through the damp ground
the emerald colored buds
the fiery colors of fall
the dancing butterflies
my family
my love
all because of one man
yet I know He wasn't any man
I am surrounded by light and color
out of the darkness
He pulled me
out of despair
I came

A Rose

Red and beautiful
lush and soft
dew drips from my fragile petals
my green stem sprouts from the hard ground
barbs run along my straight stalk
my leaves uncurl
petals open with delicateness
I awake to face the day
the day begins with such promise
a golden sun
a jade sky streaked with pink
but suddenly it becomes dangerous
golden sun covered with black
a now gray sky streaked with flashes of light
distant thunder can be heard and lightning seen
I know that I might not be able to with stand this terror
my small heart beats in determination
slowly tiny drops of rain start to fall
soon tiny becomes immense
the drops rain harder and harder
as if trying to beat my lovely face to the ground
my scenic stem begins to bend
my heart beats faster I will not surrender
thunder clashes and lightning strikes
my red face now touches the mud of the earth
I cannot allow myself to bend
but I do
rain beats at me
thunder deafens me
lightning tears at me
my exquisite body is now torn and bleeding
my petals ripped off by the storm
my leaves torn
I am pulled asunder
the storm finishes with a final clash
then disappears as fast as it had come
darkness sweeps the land
enveloping my dying body
the golden sun returns the next morning
filled with promise
but I do not rise to meet it
I lie
in the mud
my small heart extinguished

I Thought I Didn't Want The Light

The light warms me
but I believe warmth makes you weak
the light keeps me safe
but in my arrogance I want to face danger
the light makes me beautiful
but I believe beauty is a mask for ugliness
I don't want the light
I push it away
the light resists
know things I won't comprehend
I push harder
the light fades
triumphantly I believe I am free
darkness envelopes me
I cannot see
I feel a horror creeping towards me
it means me harm
I am fearful
but my mind will not let me call the light
It's cold
I want the warmth
but pride restrains me
tears leave wet streaks down my ugly face
my body bends to a weight I know I cannot bear
I want the light
an everlasting terror tries to consume me
in despair I push it back
my heart contorts to the image of one who died to save me
I want the light
but again my pride refuses to let me call out
I could not comprehend the love
my body slowly falls to the ground
pain shoots through my soul
my pride chokes me
I cannot bear it
screams resound around me
I believe nobody hears
my body gives way to despair and darkness
tears leave streaks down my ugly face
I want love
my heart bursts through the chains of pride
“Please!”
I scream
“I need You!”
a sudden blinding light
pushes back the darkness
bathing my body in warmth
love flows through me
I close my eyes
knowing I am safe
comprehending the awesome power of the light
I float amongst the stars
bathed in an everlasting light

Purity

Petals
of an everlasting white
among thorns
my pure beauty
enveloped by harshness
a white light in a sea of darkness
the cruelty of the world doesn't want me
it tries to destroy
I struggle to survive
but my efforts are crushed
I want to be pure
but the soot of the world covers me
I want to be faithful
but sharpness prevails
my purity shines out
then is quickly snuffed out by hate
I will not surrender
I will not become a barb
a piece of hatred
I will stay pure
but hatred is strong
it strangles me
marring my purity
cruelness leaves no room for pity
thorns care not what they do
tortured and blemished
I bleed to death
I want to be pure
but red blood leaves a track down my lily whiteness
the darkness now leaves me alone
believing I am no more
I prove them wrong
out of despair and suffering
my love comes
sweeping the darkness in a blindingly white embrace
the tortures cannot see
the hatred burns away as they scream in fury
leaving nothing but ashes
that is swept away with the east wind
I stand upright
blood still leaves tracks
but now they are marks of bravery
valor
and purity
instead of hate

Empty Hole

Searching I ran through life
I didn't know what I was searching for
but I kept searching
unable to find it
I had this empty hole in my heart
I wanted to fill it
twisting through all the lies and deceit
I discovered who my friends were and who were my enemies
parents and counselors tried to help me
but they didn't understand
nobody understood
I had to do this on my own
I tried many things that I believed would help
I smoked my lungs into black oblivion
I drunk myself unconscious
twisted my mind and body with drugs
I tried to fill that black hole with love from others
but it wasn't true love
nothing worked
even my mind turned against me
saying to give up the search for truth
but my heart wouldn't let me
I was wasting away
until I came across a small black book
my mind said to forget it
but my heart said differently
I picked it up and read it
the book told of love
of love greater than a mother could give her only child
of love stronger than seven twines of rope
of love more pure than the whitest lily
it told of a God and His only Son
who died so He could share all of eternity with me
tears streamed down my face
as I finally understood
I had found what I was looking for
and I believed
then I felt a power like nothing I had ever felt before
the hole in my heart was filled

Confusion

You whisper “I love you”
“Do you love me back?”
a heart
beating with one thought
I want to love you
but there are barriers in my way
thousand foot walls
towering over me
I'm confused
I beat on them till my hands bleed
my heart calls out
but the walls block me from you
I hear you calling
but the walls keep us apart
my heart turns
absence making me confused
of one thing I thought was so right
my heart in knots
I don't want this turmoil
or do I?
My heart still wants you
but I can't see you
are you still there?
I can't hear you
my mind starts to forget
your eyes
your smile
the way you used to hug me
my mind forgets
but my heart stays true
or does it?
I thought I loved you
I did once
I think
but absence is a terrible thing
in the face of love
those thousand foot walls haven't moved
and I'm so confused
do I still love you?
Did I ever?
My heart seems to turn against me
my thoughts turn it to stone
“I hate you”
I whisper
tears running down my face
is this what I really feel?
Or am I just confused?
Cold, unfeeling barriers
they care not
“Why me!”
I cry
but there is now answer
can you still remember me?
Or are you like me
your heart turned to stone
and broken into fragments
I don't know what I think anymore
I just want it to end
I just want the barriers to go away
I collapse
my emotions in complex tangles
thousand foot walls remain unbudging
I hate you
I hate myself
confusion is an ugly thing
in the face of love
why did this have to happen?
Frustration makes me confused
I want to see you
hold your hand
but those barriers...........leave me
confused

A New Day

A new day
opens up to me
who cares what happened
yesterday
it's a new day
today
past hurts
past troubles
are forgotten
in the light
of a new day
my body
wracked with old guilt
and pain
chained to the floor
cold and alone
a new day comes
and my body is renewed
power and light
flows through these veins
of mine
the chains of past murders
slip from my wrists and ankles
my face
once scarred with ugliness
a mask
melts down my face
with these tears
of purification
my bent body
straightens
and I look
through these windows
in my face
on a new day
out of the darkness
peeks the sun
out of the darkness
I come
once held down
with a sense of guilt
once held down
with hidden fears
once held down
by a tortured heart
but now
all that slips away
in the face
of a new day
I step forward
don't know where
I'm going
but I'm going
to trust my heart this time
because it's a new day
and I'm leaving
everything that caused me pain
behind
no more false words
no more false pretenses
no more false love
I'm my own person
and I'm walking away
from my chains
they hold me no more
there's a reason
for my life
and I want to discover it
I don't know where
I'm going
but I'm entering
into
a new day

Tears

Tears
transparent gems of sorrow
Tears
silent messengers of pain
trickling down my face
into a pool of anguish
that makes up the sea of my soul
...
Tears
tiny drops of weariness
Tears
glass rivers flowing from a heavy heart
trickling down my face
into a pool of misery
that makes up the sea of my soul
...
Tears
spirits of my wretchedness
Tears
phantoms of heartbreak
trickling down my face
into a pool of suffering
that makes up the sea of my soul
...
My heart beats in muted distress
beating for one torn from me
My soul overflows with yearning
yearning for someone to heal me
...
Tears
rivulets of affliction
Tears
my heart's letters
trickling down my face
into a pool of torment
that makes up the sea of my soul
...
I bar my soul
keeping my feelings bottled up inside
if I give way
my emotions will come rushing out
in a torrent of
Tears

Our Own Terrene

We walk
hand in hand
you and me
our toes in the mud
silence resounds around us
and although neither of us speaks
we know what the other is saying
a light rain falls
drenching us in a cleansing dew
we walk
hand in hand
beneath the pines
on a carpet of needles
we kneel
slowly the liquid sunshine ends
mist rising
from our now drying clothes
silence resounds around us
yet we both know
and hand in hand
we begin to make
our own universe
starting with light
dividing
night and day
six moons
two suns
the night sky sprinkled with little lights
the day sky bright blue
a pearly sunrise
a fiery sunset
slowly our world forms
emerald jungles and forests
crawling with the hunter and the hunted
sapphire rivers and oceans
swimming with the big and little
our world splashed with color
the serene colors of winter
the delicate colors of spring
the rich colors of summer
the fierce colors of fall
four seasons
wrapped up in our little world
breathing quietly
we sit back on our heels
silence resounding around us
and study our small world
our small terrene
satisfied with what we have created
we leave
hand in hand
beneath the pines
and left our terrene to breathe
but
that's where we made our mistake
our first and our last
our terrene
suspended over the carpet of needles
and under the pines
was unguarded
everything perfect
will gradually attract the evil
as our terrene
perfect in every way
did
demonic creatures
from the underworld
noticed our little world
hating the good
they attacked
out of the mist and haze
pushing through our world's defenses
and destroying
emerald jungles to blackened stumps of ash
sapphire oceans running red with death and decay
uprooting our life cycle
distorting it beyond recognition
the hunter becoming the prey
the prey becoming the hunter
six moons
once mellow now blackened with grime
two suns
fall and never rise again
creatures lying open and bleeding
no one to save
the seasons twisted
till there no more
the sky turning red with the blood
of our terrene
when there was nothing left to distort
the demonic creatures
faded away
leaving behind them
a world no more
feeling our world's pain
we flew
hand in hand
beneath the pines
to our sad little world
we kneel
hand in hand
silence resounding around us
yet we both feel the others anguish
liquid diamonds
dripping off the end of our noses
and hand in hand
we slowly release our terrene from its suffering
reducing it to golden ash
spreading it on the carpet of needles
beneath the pines
sun leaking through the dense foliage
caught the golden reflection
sending sparks of light
flitting beneath the pines
golden sparks dancing around us
enveloping us in a miniature sun
we kneel
hand in hand
silence resounding around us
yet we both know
what the other feels
and slowly
we begin to make
another terrene
in a halo of gold
hand in hand
on the carpet of needles
beneath the pines

My Little Punk In Shining Chains

I was going through life
with everything going just swell
everything perfect
everything just the way I wanted it
a picture
capturing my perfect smile
crystal tiara nestled in a mass of curls
pinky extended just so
oh everything was just peachy
...
Then you appeared like a bomb shell
blowing my perfect life into a billion bits
...
You were going through life
with everything just sweet
everything awesome
everything just the way it happened
a punk
with the skateboard to match
ripped jeans
key chain dangling from your pocket
oh everything was just sick
...
Then you appeared like a blast of uncontrollable music
arriving in complete random style
...
Staring into each other's eyes
yours a cool gray
mine a warm hazel
you with your skateboard
me with my tiara
...
I knew the moment you burst into my life
that it would never be the same
no matter how hard I tried
I would never be able to get those cool gray eyes
out of my mind
holding my tiara
I shooed you away with my lace covered hand
to no avail
...
You stood there
the coolest punk around
a smile on your face
and you dared me to ride your skateboard
or die trying
I looked up at you
then at the skateboard you held out
covered in white skulls and red roses
I looked at my dress
pink with frilly lace
and knew I would ride that skateboard
or die trying
...
Ripping my dress on the pavement was just the beginning
to a chaotic lifestyle
that would drop me headfirst into love
with the coolest punk around
no longer was I a little princess
key chain dangling from my pocket
I flew through the air on my skateboard
with you in close pursuit
for no one could ride like I could
...
Laughing as we rode through the parking lot
riding over curbs
and through streets
scaring the neighbors and babies
we were our own kind
ever so cool in our ripped jeans
with skateboards to match
...
My life so crazy
so cool and so completely random
I felt so free
I was crazy for life
crazy for the coolest punk around
licking ice cream cones at a dirty picnic table
we expressed our feelings for each other
...
Staring into each other's eyes
yours a cool gray
mine a warm hazel
you with your skateboard
me with mine
...
And as we curled up on the couch
watching corny reruns
you would whisper into my ear
how much we rocked the world
and how we would always be together
no matter what
and I would listen to everything you said
before slowly drifting off to sleep
with your cheek next to mine
and your arms keeping me safe
...
I believed in you
...
For you were my punk in shining chains
my glorious little rebel
I loved you
...
You changed my life
and made me who I always wanted to be
but never knew it
...
I loved you for blowing my life into a billion bits
for you blew the mask away
...

Creation

Milky forms
float across the an endless expansion of sapphire
fleecy smokiness
drifts through the atmosphere
winged creatures float on a breath from the Heaven's
emerald stalk's with petals of gold
bow with a breath
flaxen rays reflect from a calm mirror
flitting with finned creatures
a frame of wood reaches to the Heaven's
delicate sheafs of jade
sprout from delicate forms of amber
curling over a calm mirror of ultramarine
hoofed creatures of frailness
slowly bend to sip at the liquid sunshine
a drenching dew falls
lime reeds rise to receive
tear drops spill onto blossoms of coral
then an orb of gold peaks around a milky form
overwhelming the creation in an aurora of honeyed light
only to sink beyond the horizon
in a flaming brilliance
blood red forms
float across the endless expansion of crimson
dusky tendrils of ebony creep their fingers through the atmosphere
tiny flickers of pure light
glow in the navy Heaven's
see the wonder of God and marvel
for He is awesome and powerful
and His creation
shines through His fingertips

Me and My Song

Crumpled paper
drifts across the lonely parking lot
and even though there are many cars
the lot is empty
me
curled up in my car
sleepy and alone
glance out the dirty window
watching people run about
always busy
always running
never ending rushing
but me
I stay put
unmoving
watching life move on without me
I move down farther
in my seat
seatbelt choking me
I slip it off
silence resounds around me
making me wish for noise
I switch on the radio
flipping through stations
searching for something good
I skip a station then go back
my favorite song
I turn the volume up
the song cuts through the car
I raise the windows
volume and intensity flow
into the lonely parking lot
people stop for a moment
listening
waiting
but when nothing else happens
they block the melody out
and go on
with their busy lives
filled with running
and endless rushing
but not me
I listen
to the melodious beat
the symphony swirls around me
playing with my hair
slithering down my legs
I'm lost
in my favorite song
I slip into oblivion
as I am consumed by my song
notes striking
down and then up
the melody goes through me
chords playing
a voice singing
I can't contain it
I'm soaring amongst the clouds
I'm falling into blackness
its just me
and my song
together forever
floating
apart from the world of rushing
and running feet
me
and my song
forever
we paint the sky colors
a rainbow
drenched we float
amongst droplets of dew
time stretches out
we've been together
minutes
days
forever
just me
and my song
until my song ends
and silence resounds around me once more
and I am left alone
in the empty parking lot
with the rushing people
and many cars

Losing You

The rose you gave me
wilts by the window
my shaking hands hold yours
slowly you pull away
whispers of memories
resound around me
you leave the door open
so I can see you walking away
fingertips trace pictures
a smile here
a whisper there
a breeze tugs at my hair
teasing it into curls
I stare at myself in the mirror
sad, glazed over eyes
weary from crying
stare back at me
pale, cold lips
slightly parted heave a gentle sigh
I know not myself
tears trickle from my eyes
slipping down my cheeks
to drip onto the pictures of you
that I thought I would keep forever and ever
but now I realize that was all just a false hope
pushing the pictures of your smile
they slice through the air
to rest at the foot of my bed
my tears dry
I crumple into a ball
squeezing myself to see if I can just disappear
I lay there
a spent child
trying to become invisible amongst my blankets
I know not myself
I know not what I did wrong
to make you leave me
I feel so much
I loved you
I thought it would last forever
but you are simply a whisper of a memory

Mixing My Emotions In A Big Silver Bowl

I hear the whisper
of a beating heart
so small and fragile
but it screams out to me
with every step
with every movement
yet with a flick of my wrist
I ignore every cry
I know what I'm doing
I know where I'm going
don't tell me what to do
cause I won't listen
it's water under the bridge hun
don't think for one moment you have me fooled
I know what you're trying to do
little whispers in the dark
a sigh here
a kiss there
I push away
tripping over my shoes in the dark
I leave the door open
don't try to fool me
I know what you want
where you're going
and I'm going in the opposite direction
ha
you thought you had me figured out
thought I felt the same as you
well guess what?
It's all water under the bridge hun
a player that's what I am
I'll play with you till I get bored
then I'll leave you crying in the dark
with a broken heart
tripping over your shoes
to get to the open door
I dance away from you
you going one way
me the other
why am I like this you wonder?
Why do I play with your emotions?
I'll tell you
but come near so I can whisper it in your ear
so only you will hear of the boy
that played with my heart
mixing my emotions in a big silver bowl
he didn't want my love
my heart screamed my love
but he couldn't hear it
he left me
in the dark
crying over the broken pieces of my heart
tears dripping into that big silver bowl
I made a promise
to never listen to my heart again
so now you know why I play with your emotions
why I leave you in the dark
ha
you thought you knew my life
little miss-goodie-two shoes
that was me
oh but you were never more wrong
so be so very careful
the good you see on the outside
may just be a mask for the evil on the inside
so
It's all water under the bridge hun
a player that's what I am
I'll play with you till I get bored
then I'll leave you crying in the dark
with a broken heart
tripping over your shoes
to get to the open door
cause I will never listen to my heart again
ignoring it with a flick of my wrist
I'm a player
through and through

I Cannot Go On

I cannot go on
tears streaming down my cheeks
pictures of fragile memories
turning to dust before my eyes
my hands
once kept warm by your own hands
are now frozen in despair
I'm alone
and I'm scared
my tortured heart begs to be healed
but where are you?
Wisps of dust
twist to form your perfect face
I reach out
only for the dust to settle into a memory
bluebirds once chirping in blissful ignorance
fall silent at the setting of the sun
I'm alone
and I'm scared
where are you?
Dusky black envelopes the light
shadows creeping from the corners
to flit across my tear stained cheeks
shivers run up and down my arms
I'm cold
the blankets we once shared
now holds a lonely one
memories threaten to consume my mind
causing the tears to flow once again
where are you?
Why did you have to leave?
I cannot go on
you were my light
my warmth
my happiness
and now you are gone
leaving me in the dark
cold and depressed
your face haunts my thoughts
drifting into a restless sleep
I find you in my dreams as well
you said you had to leave
if you truly had to leave
why can't you take your ghost with you as well?
Why can't you let me live my life?
You left and you said you would never be coming back
Yet you haunt me still
I cannot go on like this
amongst the fragile memories
that haunt my inner being
causing this heartbreak you cannot see
tears streaming down my face
to drip onto the blankets
we once shared
I cannot go on
without you

Sitting Across From You

I'm sitting here
across from you
staring at the floor
I note every little speck of dust
blowing through my life
...
I know your blue eyes are on me
but I can't look back
I stare at my shoelaces
turned gray from the dirt in my life
...
I know how you feel
but I don't know if I can return your feelings
I look at the goosebumps rising on my arms
I shiver
but not on the outside
my heart is scared and cold
...
I know you want me to simply trust you
but I am afraid
that if I make this leap of faith
you won't be there to catch me
and I will break my heart open
again
...
You slowly make your way over
across the gap
between you and me
sliding next to me
your arm around my shoulder
...
I want to let you stay
but my heart is so fragile
will you be gentle?
...
The warmth from your body
surrounds me
scaring my goosebumps away
I'm warm on the outside
but my heart is still shivering
will you be able to reach it?
...
You whisper “I love you”
but do you really mean it?
I'm just so confused
I want to believe your words
but how can I be sure?
...
If I trust you with my heart
will you be gentle?

You Weren't There

Water pours down
dripping off the bridge of my nose
hair hangs in wet shreds
the wind slaps me in the face
six inches from the edge
a torrent of my fears
rushing past
forming dark and lonely
to mock me
numbly
I peel off my clothes
piece by soaked piece
until I am as I was when I was born
...
Oh stop me please
I don't want to die
but I will if there is no one to stop me
...
Lifting my eyes to the angry sky
I see nothing but cold gray
looking behind me
hoping
oh are you there?
But my hope is torn when I see nothing
...
I wait until the last possible moment
tears mixing with the rain
why aren't you here to stop me?
...
You waited too long
throwing myself forward
I leap from the edge
falling
through emptiness
I hit my fears
engulfed by the dark and lonely
I gasp for air
instead I am invited to the world of the dead
eyes cry silent tears
oh why didn't you come?
Why did you let me go?
...
My naked body floats through my fears
wrapped in tears shed from my heart
I loved you
yet you didn't care
how could something so fragile
beat so fiercely in my inner being?
You didn't come yet
I promise to forgive you
as I enter the land of Hades
I will make sure to put in a good word for you
floating down
in a torrent of my fears
rushing past
in dark and lonely
numbly I give up
because you weren't there
so what am I worth now?
...
You kneel by the embankment
glimpsing a white figure
squinting through the haze
recognition causing tears to flow
you realize
how very cold you were
you didn't save me
you weren't there when you should have been
now you can live
as I am dead
...
But there is a catch
though you weren't there
you can now live
knowing I am dead
but your heart knows the truth
though your mind may block the truth
your heart cannot do so
living through life
my love haunts
until you are six inches from the edge
tears mixing with the rain
and you cry to the sky
hating who you are
for what you have done to me
...
Goodbye

Fix My Heart With Duck Tape

When we are together
I feel like I had wings and could fly
when we are together
I feel like I could jump to the moon
when we are together
I never feel alone
so why did you have to go away?
And why did you have to break my heart?
Well that's fine with me
just so long as you leave the pieces behind
and I'll save them
because just maybe
you'll come back
and fix my heart with duck tape
because when we are together
I feel like I could live for eternity
when we are together
I feel like a I could run a million miles
when we are together
I never feel unhappy
so why are you ignoring me?
And why did you have to tear my heart in half?
Well that's no problem
just so long as you leave the pieces behind
and I'll save them
because just maybe
you'll start listening again
and fix my heart with duck tape
when we are together
I feel like I could swim the whole Pacific ocean
when we are together
I feel like I could just look in your eyes forever
when we are together
I never feel unloved
so why do you not love me anymore?
And why did you have to shatter my heart?
Well that's okay with me
just so long as you leave the pieces behind
and I'll save them
because just maybe
you'll start loving me again
and fix my heart with duck tape