Thinking of you

Sometimes I catch myself
thinking of you
a dried whisper of a memory
adrift on the breeze
will I ever forget?
Will I ever be able to forgive your haunting self?
Or am I just a dried corpse
left over from your forgotten mind?
Tired eyes dripping transparent tears
torn hopes
mingling with torn pieces of my heart
will I ever be able to understand
your cold whisper in my ear?
Words meaning one dream
yet ending in a nightmare
even after you say
“It's over”
your eyes still plague my unwaking thoughts
please
when you say
“It's over”
just let be over

because I can't go on like this
thinking of you
in my thoughts and dreams

By My Window

Sitting here
by my window
I watch people going by
...
girls in petticoats
boys is trousers
women with parasol
men with top hats
they all go by my window
and I watch them
...
baby girls in pink
baby boys in blue
old ladies with bonnets
old gentlemen with suspenders
they all go by my window
and I watch them
...
They all rush by
ignorant of me
I don't know them
and they don't know me
but still I watch them
as they hurry on with their lives
...
Then one stops
a young girl with a rag doll under her arm
she waves to me
I wave back
then she runs away
back to her friends
and I keep on watching
...
Sitting here
watching people going on with their lives
by my window

In The Mirror

I look in the mirror
I am white
not a mark nor a blemish to be seen
I am perfect
a lily white
...
The I started to change
the world looked so enticing
I wanted to be free
I felt like I was being kept back
...
I made friends
but they weren't the right ones
I didn't think it would matter
what's a little swearing?
My friends do it
what's a little tattoo?
My friends have them
...
But now when I look in the mirror
I am not white
I am not blemish free
what has happened?
...
My perfect witness has been marred
I now see little, ugly stains
well there really little maybe no one will notice
it can't mean anything
...
Oh how I wish I had turned around when I had the chance
I thought no one would notice
I thought I could handle it on my own
I couldn't
...
Drunk I staggered around with my boyfriend
laughing at crude jokes
smoking myself into black oblivion
sharing a bed with another
...
I tried to make myself believe I was fine
I didn't look at myself in the mirror anymore
but deep down I knew the truth
my tiny stains had merged into one
...
My whiteness had turned to blackness
I will never be the same
because I have flaunted myself
it has led to this
...
Will I ever be white again?
Will I never be the same?
“No”
a little voice whispers
“You will never be the same”
...
I stare at myself in the mirror
black and ugly
tears streaming down my marred face
I don't want this
...
“I'm sorry”
I sob
covering my face with my hands
“Please just make me white again!”
...
Suddenly I feel something pouring down my face
I look in the mirror
it's blood
red and vibrant covering me
...
I fall to my knees
the blood continues to flow
mixing with my tears
covering me in red
...
Laying down
I sink into oblivion
peace seeps into me
along with the scarlet liquid
...
Waking up with peace on my mind
I look at myself in the mirror
I am white
by the blood of the Savior

Heartbreak

My heart swells
I catch him looking at me
ocean blue eyes filling my own
they hold promise
...
I wait by the phone hoping
the phone rings
my heart leaps
I answer eagerly
it's him
...
He asks me out
how can I refuse?
My heart pounding
do I look alright?
...
Driving down the road
windows rolled down
music blaring a love song
wind pulling my hair loose
...
Stars twinkling in the night
his arms around me
ocean blue eyes filling my own
lips collide
...
A perfect day
a perfect night
a perfect summer
perfection never lasts
...
Walking down the street
I spy my love with another
his arms around her
like he once did with me
...
My mind confused
It's over he says
my heart wounded
what did I do wrong?
...
Once he shared my feelings
once he shared my thoughts
once he shared my dreams
now he throws it all away
...
Do I mean nothing?
What is wrong with me?
Am I simply another toy?
To be played with and then discarded?
...
Do I not have feelings?
Do I not mean something?
I gave the owner of those ocean blue eyes
my heart
...
Full of love for him
now my heart is torn
I can love no more
for my love was accepted then rejected
...
My heart is broken

Call On Me and I Will Rescue You

A cool breeze
ruffles my umber hair
I dangle my feet over the embankment
into the quiet pool
little fishes
tickling the bottoms of my feet
golden rays
reflecting off of the still water
and shining into my squinting eyes
lifting my arms in the air
I drop backwards and lie on my back
I close my eyes
and wonder at the majesty
of creation and the One who established it
twining the grass around my fingers
plucking a daisy here and there
I create my own little crown
setting it on top of my head
I turn to look at my reflection
in the calm water
wondering at the majesty
of human beings and the One who formed them
twirling a twig in the water
amongst the little fishes
creating small currents of mine own
I smile in perfect happiness
and contentment
sensing the sun's heat upon my back
I rise to my feet
and wander along the embankment
to lay beneath a weeping willow
the shade stretching over my head
and I wonder at the majesty
of creation and the One who established it
slowly
gradually
my eyes flutter closed
and I find myself in a different land
I'm standing a top a cliff
I hear the pounding of waves
I feel the wind whipping around me
I taste the salt spray on my tongue
I smell the wetness of invisible rain drops in the air
I see...nothing
blackness
utterly consumes me
fear starts to chew at my mind
my eyes strain for something
anything to focus on
but there is only emptiness
slowly the sound of the breaking waves abates
the wind dies and my hair settles
the taste of salt leaves my mouth
I smell nothing
just blackness fills my nose and mouth
a thick suffocating nonexistence
I gasp
my lungs burn I need air
I'm not getting enough
my knees bend and I slam into hard gravel
my arms cover my ears
trying to block out the sound of emptiness
I feel pain
but from what I don't know
trickles of blood start to run down my face and my arms
I scream
my mind gone wild with terror
something is out there
watching me
waiting
it wants to destroy me
the gravel bites into my knees
I slam my fist into the hard and torturing rock
my knuckles breaking open
blood spills onto black earth
mixing together in painful swirls
I scream again
no!
I will not submit to the terror that grips me
I raise my fist in defiance
and stagger to my feet
I sense eyes on me
millions of eyes
flickering with blood lust
my defiance is immediately subdued
and again I slam into the unyielding blackness
my spirit vanquished
I lie bleeding
a small cry escapes my lips
tears mix with grime and blood
the eyes are closer now
still staring
still waiting
still flickering with blood lust
they can smell it on me
they can smell my fear
my defeat
slowly I slip into a grateful stupor
my mind overrun with terror accepts the blackness
I feel it leaking out of me
blackness trickles out of my eyes
nose
and mouth
along with blood
and water
but as I start to fade
something tickles the back of my mind
a question
a challenge
a whisper
Why is it that you worship Me so easily when things are going well?
Apart from Me you can do nothing
but with Me you can do anything
Call on me and you shall be rescued
get up
and embrace your faith
get up!
GET UP!
I jerk back from my subconsciousness
before the pain can get to me
I rise
pain flares through my body
I can't do it on my own
but through Him I can do anything
terror rips through me
I gasp
choking
I can't do it
I am going to die
no!
I believe!
I need You!
I BELIEVE!
I stand there gasping
but nothing happens
doubt begins to work at my mind
have You abandoned me?
No
I will not give up on my faith
no matter what happens
I stare into the darkness
my mind threatens to succumb
but I beat back the terror and doubt and pain
I search
for the promised light
slowly
I notice a pin point of light in the distance
hovering on the horizon
I stretch out my fingers towards it
but I cannot reach it
I reach with all my strength with all my power
the millions of eyes mock
they torture and laugh
I cry out with hopelessness
why have You teased me with this bit of hope?
Trust Me
I can't
I will fall
and my body dashed amongst the rocks
Trust Me
I can't!
Trust Me
I cry out in desperation
tears leaking from my eyes
I look towards the small light
it is still there
unwavering
Trust Me
with a wrenching sob I leap off of my cliff
I'm falling into blackness
I hear cackling
I sense defeat
and then I'm falling into light
a blinding hot searing light
I scream as all doubt is burned from my mind
I'm floating amongst points of light
Whenever you need Me I am there
Call on Me and I shall rescue
Trust Me
I trust You
I believe with all my heart
my eyes flutter open
was it all a figment of my imagination?
My eyes glance around
the weeping willow leans over me
I hear a bluebird singing
a soft breeze ruffles my hair
the sun's golden rays play with the water
casting reflections on my face
I look at my legs and arms
all tracks of pain erased
I brush my face with my fingertips
no injuries
did it really happen or was it just a dream?
Then quietly a whisper
drifts on the breeze
Trust Me
and I knew that it had truly happened
whether in my mind or in life
it didn't matter
I knew He would be with me forever
so under the weeping willow
beside the quiet pool
reflecting the sun's rays
I gave up a little prayer
of thanksgiving to the One who protects

I Am Not Alone

The house is dark
I am alone
I am afraid
I hear a noise
was it the creak of the stairs?
or the opening of a door?
why am I so afraid?
I lie in my bed
hiding beneath my covers
I feel something hideous creeping towards me
If I move it will kill
If I stay it will kill
I stay
unmoving
I hear its long talons scrape the floor
I smell its foul breath in the air
I cannot see
I am afraid
no one knows of my terror
no one to come to my rescue
I sense its muscles tensing
getting ready to pounce
I hear it roar
I know I am going to die
I scream
waiting for death to come
but I feel nothing
I cautiously turn
I see the creature's eyes
red and evil
staring into my own
but I am not afraid
the creature is held in the grip of my Protector
my Protector with fair wings
my Protector that radiates a white light
He takes the evil creature that would do me harm
and in an instant the creature is gone
vanished away from me
I now look up into eyes full of love and tenderness
those eyes belong to my Protector
I am safe
gently He brushes my face with his wings
closing my eyes
I am afraid no more
I am not alone

Out of Darkness

Darkness
I am surrounded by it
there is no light
I cannot see
my life is shrouded in shadows
no colors
except black and gray
I cannot see my face
I cannot see my brother's face
what is a rainbow?
A splash of color
a streak of beauty
I'll never know
a vibrant blossom?
Describe it to me
a lake sparkling with golden flashes of sun?
Let me feel it
I will never witness these things
because my life consist of two colors
black and gray
my future looks bleak
I shall never see my lover's face
or the flickering of fireflies
I don't have any hope
I lost that years ago
I hide farther away
into my world of black and gray
but then I hear something
I strain to hear better
a whisper?
I pull myself out of my despair
searching
the voice sounds kind and full of love
it's calling me
I walk slowly
hesitantly
it encourages me
I am guided by its warmth
it's asking me what I desire
my heart yearns for only one thing
I want to see
I feel a power commanding my sightless eyes
then suddenly
I see movement
I see color
a face is before me
tears of happiness stream down my cheeks
the man wipes them away
and with those tears my despair
I had carries as my life
I looked into His eyes
overflowing with compassion
love
and mercy
because of that man
I can now see
the stunning whiteness of the snow
the new crocuses pushing through the damp ground
the emerald colored buds
the fiery colors of fall
the dancing butterflies
my family
my love
all because of one man
yet I know He wasn't any man
I am surrounded by light and color
out of the darkness
He pulled me
out of despair
I came

A Rose

Red and beautiful
lush and soft
dew drips from my fragile petals
my green stem sprouts from the hard ground
barbs run along my straight stalk
my leaves uncurl
petals open with delicateness
I awake to face the day
the day begins with such promise
a golden sun
a jade sky streaked with pink
but suddenly it becomes dangerous
golden sun covered with black
a now gray sky streaked with flashes of light
distant thunder can be heard and lightning seen
I know that I might not be able to with stand this terror
my small heart beats in determination
slowly tiny drops of rain start to fall
soon tiny becomes immense
the drops rain harder and harder
as if trying to beat my lovely face to the ground
my scenic stem begins to bend
my heart beats faster I will not surrender
thunder clashes and lightning strikes
my red face now touches the mud of the earth
I cannot allow myself to bend
but I do
rain beats at me
thunder deafens me
lightning tears at me
my exquisite body is now torn and bleeding
my petals ripped off by the storm
my leaves torn
I am pulled asunder
the storm finishes with a final clash
then disappears as fast as it had come
darkness sweeps the land
enveloping my dying body
the golden sun returns the next morning
filled with promise
but I do not rise to meet it
I lie
in the mud
my small heart extinguished

I Thought I Didn't Want The Light

The light warms me
but I believe warmth makes you weak
the light keeps me safe
but in my arrogance I want to face danger
the light makes me beautiful
but I believe beauty is a mask for ugliness
I don't want the light
I push it away
the light resists
know things I won't comprehend
I push harder
the light fades
triumphantly I believe I am free
darkness envelopes me
I cannot see
I feel a horror creeping towards me
it means me harm
I am fearful
but my mind will not let me call the light
It's cold
I want the warmth
but pride restrains me
tears leave wet streaks down my ugly face
my body bends to a weight I know I cannot bear
I want the light
an everlasting terror tries to consume me
in despair I push it back
my heart contorts to the image of one who died to save me
I want the light
but again my pride refuses to let me call out
I could not comprehend the love
my body slowly falls to the ground
pain shoots through my soul
my pride chokes me
I cannot bear it
screams resound around me
I believe nobody hears
my body gives way to despair and darkness
tears leave streaks down my ugly face
I want love
my heart bursts through the chains of pride
“Please!”
I scream
“I need You!”
a sudden blinding light
pushes back the darkness
bathing my body in warmth
love flows through me
I close my eyes
knowing I am safe
comprehending the awesome power of the light
I float amongst the stars
bathed in an everlasting light

Purity

Petals
of an everlasting white
among thorns
my pure beauty
enveloped by harshness
a white light in a sea of darkness
the cruelty of the world doesn't want me
it tries to destroy
I struggle to survive
but my efforts are crushed
I want to be pure
but the soot of the world covers me
I want to be faithful
but sharpness prevails
my purity shines out
then is quickly snuffed out by hate
I will not surrender
I will not become a barb
a piece of hatred
I will stay pure
but hatred is strong
it strangles me
marring my purity
cruelness leaves no room for pity
thorns care not what they do
tortured and blemished
I bleed to death
I want to be pure
but red blood leaves a track down my lily whiteness
the darkness now leaves me alone
believing I am no more
I prove them wrong
out of despair and suffering
my love comes
sweeping the darkness in a blindingly white embrace
the tortures cannot see
the hatred burns away as they scream in fury
leaving nothing but ashes
that is swept away with the east wind
I stand upright
blood still leaves tracks
but now they are marks of bravery
valor
and purity
instead of hate

Empty Hole

Searching I ran through life
I didn't know what I was searching for
but I kept searching
unable to find it
I had this empty hole in my heart
I wanted to fill it
twisting through all the lies and deceit
I discovered who my friends were and who were my enemies
parents and counselors tried to help me
but they didn't understand
nobody understood
I had to do this on my own
I tried many things that I believed would help
I smoked my lungs into black oblivion
I drunk myself unconscious
twisted my mind and body with drugs
I tried to fill that black hole with love from others
but it wasn't true love
nothing worked
even my mind turned against me
saying to give up the search for truth
but my heart wouldn't let me
I was wasting away
until I came across a small black book
my mind said to forget it
but my heart said differently
I picked it up and read it
the book told of love
of love greater than a mother could give her only child
of love stronger than seven twines of rope
of love more pure than the whitest lily
it told of a God and His only Son
who died so He could share all of eternity with me
tears streamed down my face
as I finally understood
I had found what I was looking for
and I believed
then I felt a power like nothing I had ever felt before
the hole in my heart was filled

Confusion

You whisper “I love you”
“Do you love me back?”
a heart
beating with one thought
I want to love you
but there are barriers in my way
thousand foot walls
towering over me
I'm confused
I beat on them till my hands bleed
my heart calls out
but the walls block me from you
I hear you calling
but the walls keep us apart
my heart turns
absence making me confused
of one thing I thought was so right
my heart in knots
I don't want this turmoil
or do I?
My heart still wants you
but I can't see you
are you still there?
I can't hear you
my mind starts to forget
your eyes
your smile
the way you used to hug me
my mind forgets
but my heart stays true
or does it?
I thought I loved you
I did once
I think
but absence is a terrible thing
in the face of love
those thousand foot walls haven't moved
and I'm so confused
do I still love you?
Did I ever?
My heart seems to turn against me
my thoughts turn it to stone
“I hate you”
I whisper
tears running down my face
is this what I really feel?
Or am I just confused?
Cold, unfeeling barriers
they care not
“Why me!”
I cry
but there is now answer
can you still remember me?
Or are you like me
your heart turned to stone
and broken into fragments
I don't know what I think anymore
I just want it to end
I just want the barriers to go away
I collapse
my emotions in complex tangles
thousand foot walls remain unbudging
I hate you
I hate myself
confusion is an ugly thing
in the face of love
why did this have to happen?
Frustration makes me confused
I want to see you
hold your hand
but those barriers...........leave me
confused

A New Day

A new day
opens up to me
who cares what happened
yesterday
it's a new day
today
past hurts
past troubles
are forgotten
in the light
of a new day
my body
wracked with old guilt
and pain
chained to the floor
cold and alone
a new day comes
and my body is renewed
power and light
flows through these veins
of mine
the chains of past murders
slip from my wrists and ankles
my face
once scarred with ugliness
a mask
melts down my face
with these tears
of purification
my bent body
straightens
and I look
through these windows
in my face
on a new day
out of the darkness
peeks the sun
out of the darkness
I come
once held down
with a sense of guilt
once held down
with hidden fears
once held down
by a tortured heart
but now
all that slips away
in the face
of a new day
I step forward
don't know where
I'm going
but I'm going
to trust my heart this time
because it's a new day
and I'm leaving
everything that caused me pain
behind
no more false words
no more false pretenses
no more false love
I'm my own person
and I'm walking away
from my chains
they hold me no more
there's a reason
for my life
and I want to discover it
I don't know where
I'm going
but I'm entering
into
a new day

Tears

Tears
transparent gems of sorrow
Tears
silent messengers of pain
trickling down my face
into a pool of anguish
that makes up the sea of my soul
...
Tears
tiny drops of weariness
Tears
glass rivers flowing from a heavy heart
trickling down my face
into a pool of misery
that makes up the sea of my soul
...
Tears
spirits of my wretchedness
Tears
phantoms of heartbreak
trickling down my face
into a pool of suffering
that makes up the sea of my soul
...
My heart beats in muted distress
beating for one torn from me
My soul overflows with yearning
yearning for someone to heal me
...
Tears
rivulets of affliction
Tears
my heart's letters
trickling down my face
into a pool of torment
that makes up the sea of my soul
...
I bar my soul
keeping my feelings bottled up inside
if I give way
my emotions will come rushing out
in a torrent of
Tears

Our Own Terrene

We walk
hand in hand
you and me
our toes in the mud
silence resounds around us
and although neither of us speaks
we know what the other is saying
a light rain falls
drenching us in a cleansing dew
we walk
hand in hand
beneath the pines
on a carpet of needles
we kneel
slowly the liquid sunshine ends
mist rising
from our now drying clothes
silence resounds around us
yet we both know
and hand in hand
we begin to make
our own universe
starting with light
dividing
night and day
six moons
two suns
the night sky sprinkled with little lights
the day sky bright blue
a pearly sunrise
a fiery sunset
slowly our world forms
emerald jungles and forests
crawling with the hunter and the hunted
sapphire rivers and oceans
swimming with the big and little
our world splashed with color
the serene colors of winter
the delicate colors of spring
the rich colors of summer
the fierce colors of fall
four seasons
wrapped up in our little world
breathing quietly
we sit back on our heels
silence resounding around us
and study our small world
our small terrene
satisfied with what we have created
we leave
hand in hand
beneath the pines
and left our terrene to breathe
but
that's where we made our mistake
our first and our last
our terrene
suspended over the carpet of needles
and under the pines
was unguarded
everything perfect
will gradually attract the evil
as our terrene
perfect in every way
did
demonic creatures
from the underworld
noticed our little world
hating the good
they attacked
out of the mist and haze
pushing through our world's defenses
and destroying
emerald jungles to blackened stumps of ash
sapphire oceans running red with death and decay
uprooting our life cycle
distorting it beyond recognition
the hunter becoming the prey
the prey becoming the hunter
six moons
once mellow now blackened with grime
two suns
fall and never rise again
creatures lying open and bleeding
no one to save
the seasons twisted
till there no more
the sky turning red with the blood
of our terrene
when there was nothing left to distort
the demonic creatures
faded away
leaving behind them
a world no more
feeling our world's pain
we flew
hand in hand
beneath the pines
to our sad little world
we kneel
hand in hand
silence resounding around us
yet we both feel the others anguish
liquid diamonds
dripping off the end of our noses
and hand in hand
we slowly release our terrene from its suffering
reducing it to golden ash
spreading it on the carpet of needles
beneath the pines
sun leaking through the dense foliage
caught the golden reflection
sending sparks of light
flitting beneath the pines
golden sparks dancing around us
enveloping us in a miniature sun
we kneel
hand in hand
silence resounding around us
yet we both know
what the other feels
and slowly
we begin to make
another terrene
in a halo of gold
hand in hand
on the carpet of needles
beneath the pines

My Little Punk In Shining Chains

I was going through life
with everything going just swell
everything perfect
everything just the way I wanted it
a picture
capturing my perfect smile
crystal tiara nestled in a mass of curls
pinky extended just so
oh everything was just peachy
...
Then you appeared like a bomb shell
blowing my perfect life into a billion bits
...
You were going through life
with everything just sweet
everything awesome
everything just the way it happened
a punk
with the skateboard to match
ripped jeans
key chain dangling from your pocket
oh everything was just sick
...
Then you appeared like a blast of uncontrollable music
arriving in complete random style
...
Staring into each other's eyes
yours a cool gray
mine a warm hazel
you with your skateboard
me with my tiara
...
I knew the moment you burst into my life
that it would never be the same
no matter how hard I tried
I would never be able to get those cool gray eyes
out of my mind
holding my tiara
I shooed you away with my lace covered hand
to no avail
...
You stood there
the coolest punk around
a smile on your face
and you dared me to ride your skateboard
or die trying
I looked up at you
then at the skateboard you held out
covered in white skulls and red roses
I looked at my dress
pink with frilly lace
and knew I would ride that skateboard
or die trying
...
Ripping my dress on the pavement was just the beginning
to a chaotic lifestyle
that would drop me headfirst into love
with the coolest punk around
no longer was I a little princess
key chain dangling from my pocket
I flew through the air on my skateboard
with you in close pursuit
for no one could ride like I could
...
Laughing as we rode through the parking lot
riding over curbs
and through streets
scaring the neighbors and babies
we were our own kind
ever so cool in our ripped jeans
with skateboards to match
...
My life so crazy
so cool and so completely random
I felt so free
I was crazy for life
crazy for the coolest punk around
licking ice cream cones at a dirty picnic table
we expressed our feelings for each other
...
Staring into each other's eyes
yours a cool gray
mine a warm hazel
you with your skateboard
me with mine
...
And as we curled up on the couch
watching corny reruns
you would whisper into my ear
how much we rocked the world
and how we would always be together
no matter what
and I would listen to everything you said
before slowly drifting off to sleep
with your cheek next to mine
and your arms keeping me safe
...
I believed in you
...
For you were my punk in shining chains
my glorious little rebel
I loved you
...
You changed my life
and made me who I always wanted to be
but never knew it
...
I loved you for blowing my life into a billion bits
for you blew the mask away
...

Creation

Milky forms
float across the an endless expansion of sapphire
fleecy smokiness
drifts through the atmosphere
winged creatures float on a breath from the Heaven's
emerald stalk's with petals of gold
bow with a breath
flaxen rays reflect from a calm mirror
flitting with finned creatures
a frame of wood reaches to the Heaven's
delicate sheafs of jade
sprout from delicate forms of amber
curling over a calm mirror of ultramarine
hoofed creatures of frailness
slowly bend to sip at the liquid sunshine
a drenching dew falls
lime reeds rise to receive
tear drops spill onto blossoms of coral
then an orb of gold peaks around a milky form
overwhelming the creation in an aurora of honeyed light
only to sink beyond the horizon
in a flaming brilliance
blood red forms
float across the endless expansion of crimson
dusky tendrils of ebony creep their fingers through the atmosphere
tiny flickers of pure light
glow in the navy Heaven's
see the wonder of God and marvel
for He is awesome and powerful
and His creation
shines through His fingertips

Me and My Song

Crumpled paper
drifts across the lonely parking lot
and even though there are many cars
the lot is empty
me
curled up in my car
sleepy and alone
glance out the dirty window
watching people run about
always busy
always running
never ending rushing
but me
I stay put
unmoving
watching life move on without me
I move down farther
in my seat
seatbelt choking me
I slip it off
silence resounds around me
making me wish for noise
I switch on the radio
flipping through stations
searching for something good
I skip a station then go back
my favorite song
I turn the volume up
the song cuts through the car
I raise the windows
volume and intensity flow
into the lonely parking lot
people stop for a moment
listening
waiting
but when nothing else happens
they block the melody out
and go on
with their busy lives
filled with running
and endless rushing
but not me
I listen
to the melodious beat
the symphony swirls around me
playing with my hair
slithering down my legs
I'm lost
in my favorite song
I slip into oblivion
as I am consumed by my song
notes striking
down and then up
the melody goes through me
chords playing
a voice singing
I can't contain it
I'm soaring amongst the clouds
I'm falling into blackness
its just me
and my song
together forever
floating
apart from the world of rushing
and running feet
me
and my song
forever
we paint the sky colors
a rainbow
drenched we float
amongst droplets of dew
time stretches out
we've been together
minutes
days
forever
just me
and my song
until my song ends
and silence resounds around me once more
and I am left alone
in the empty parking lot
with the rushing people
and many cars

Losing You

The rose you gave me
wilts by the window
my shaking hands hold yours
slowly you pull away
whispers of memories
resound around me
you leave the door open
so I can see you walking away
fingertips trace pictures
a smile here
a whisper there
a breeze tugs at my hair
teasing it into curls
I stare at myself in the mirror
sad, glazed over eyes
weary from crying
stare back at me
pale, cold lips
slightly parted heave a gentle sigh
I know not myself
tears trickle from my eyes
slipping down my cheeks
to drip onto the pictures of you
that I thought I would keep forever and ever
but now I realize that was all just a false hope
pushing the pictures of your smile
they slice through the air
to rest at the foot of my bed
my tears dry
I crumple into a ball
squeezing myself to see if I can just disappear
I lay there
a spent child
trying to become invisible amongst my blankets
I know not myself
I know not what I did wrong
to make you leave me
I feel so much
I loved you
I thought it would last forever
but you are simply a whisper of a memory

Mixing My Emotions In A Big Silver Bowl

I hear the whisper
of a beating heart
so small and fragile
but it screams out to me
with every step
with every movement
yet with a flick of my wrist
I ignore every cry
I know what I'm doing
I know where I'm going
don't tell me what to do
cause I won't listen
it's water under the bridge hun
don't think for one moment you have me fooled
I know what you're trying to do
little whispers in the dark
a sigh here
a kiss there
I push away
tripping over my shoes in the dark
I leave the door open
don't try to fool me
I know what you want
where you're going
and I'm going in the opposite direction
ha
you thought you had me figured out
thought I felt the same as you
well guess what?
It's all water under the bridge hun
a player that's what I am
I'll play with you till I get bored
then I'll leave you crying in the dark
with a broken heart
tripping over your shoes
to get to the open door
I dance away from you
you going one way
me the other
why am I like this you wonder?
Why do I play with your emotions?
I'll tell you
but come near so I can whisper it in your ear
so only you will hear of the boy
that played with my heart
mixing my emotions in a big silver bowl
he didn't want my love
my heart screamed my love
but he couldn't hear it
he left me
in the dark
crying over the broken pieces of my heart
tears dripping into that big silver bowl
I made a promise
to never listen to my heart again
so now you know why I play with your emotions
why I leave you in the dark
ha
you thought you knew my life
little miss-goodie-two shoes
that was me
oh but you were never more wrong
so be so very careful
the good you see on the outside
may just be a mask for the evil on the inside
so
It's all water under the bridge hun
a player that's what I am
I'll play with you till I get bored
then I'll leave you crying in the dark
with a broken heart
tripping over your shoes
to get to the open door
cause I will never listen to my heart again
ignoring it with a flick of my wrist
I'm a player
through and through

I Cannot Go On

I cannot go on
tears streaming down my cheeks
pictures of fragile memories
turning to dust before my eyes
my hands
once kept warm by your own hands
are now frozen in despair
I'm alone
and I'm scared
my tortured heart begs to be healed
but where are you?
Wisps of dust
twist to form your perfect face
I reach out
only for the dust to settle into a memory
bluebirds once chirping in blissful ignorance
fall silent at the setting of the sun
I'm alone
and I'm scared
where are you?
Dusky black envelopes the light
shadows creeping from the corners
to flit across my tear stained cheeks
shivers run up and down my arms
I'm cold
the blankets we once shared
now holds a lonely one
memories threaten to consume my mind
causing the tears to flow once again
where are you?
Why did you have to leave?
I cannot go on
you were my light
my warmth
my happiness
and now you are gone
leaving me in the dark
cold and depressed
your face haunts my thoughts
drifting into a restless sleep
I find you in my dreams as well
you said you had to leave
if you truly had to leave
why can't you take your ghost with you as well?
Why can't you let me live my life?
You left and you said you would never be coming back
Yet you haunt me still
I cannot go on like this
amongst the fragile memories
that haunt my inner being
causing this heartbreak you cannot see
tears streaming down my face
to drip onto the blankets
we once shared
I cannot go on
without you

Sitting Across From You

I'm sitting here
across from you
staring at the floor
I note every little speck of dust
blowing through my life
...
I know your blue eyes are on me
but I can't look back
I stare at my shoelaces
turned gray from the dirt in my life
...
I know how you feel
but I don't know if I can return your feelings
I look at the goosebumps rising on my arms
I shiver
but not on the outside
my heart is scared and cold
...
I know you want me to simply trust you
but I am afraid
that if I make this leap of faith
you won't be there to catch me
and I will break my heart open
again
...
You slowly make your way over
across the gap
between you and me
sliding next to me
your arm around my shoulder
...
I want to let you stay
but my heart is so fragile
will you be gentle?
...
The warmth from your body
surrounds me
scaring my goosebumps away
I'm warm on the outside
but my heart is still shivering
will you be able to reach it?
...
You whisper “I love you”
but do you really mean it?
I'm just so confused
I want to believe your words
but how can I be sure?
...
If I trust you with my heart
will you be gentle?

You Weren't There

Water pours down
dripping off the bridge of my nose
hair hangs in wet shreds
the wind slaps me in the face
six inches from the edge
a torrent of my fears
rushing past
forming dark and lonely
to mock me
numbly
I peel off my clothes
piece by soaked piece
until I am as I was when I was born
...
Oh stop me please
I don't want to die
but I will if there is no one to stop me
...
Lifting my eyes to the angry sky
I see nothing but cold gray
looking behind me
hoping
oh are you there?
But my hope is torn when I see nothing
...
I wait until the last possible moment
tears mixing with the rain
why aren't you here to stop me?
...
You waited too long
throwing myself forward
I leap from the edge
falling
through emptiness
I hit my fears
engulfed by the dark and lonely
I gasp for air
instead I am invited to the world of the dead
eyes cry silent tears
oh why didn't you come?
Why did you let me go?
...
My naked body floats through my fears
wrapped in tears shed from my heart
I loved you
yet you didn't care
how could something so fragile
beat so fiercely in my inner being?
You didn't come yet
I promise to forgive you
as I enter the land of Hades
I will make sure to put in a good word for you
floating down
in a torrent of my fears
rushing past
in dark and lonely
numbly I give up
because you weren't there
so what am I worth now?
...
You kneel by the embankment
glimpsing a white figure
squinting through the haze
recognition causing tears to flow
you realize
how very cold you were
you didn't save me
you weren't there when you should have been
now you can live
as I am dead
...
But there is a catch
though you weren't there
you can now live
knowing I am dead
but your heart knows the truth
though your mind may block the truth
your heart cannot do so
living through life
my love haunts
until you are six inches from the edge
tears mixing with the rain
and you cry to the sky
hating who you are
for what you have done to me
...
Goodbye

Fix My Heart With Duck Tape

When we are together
I feel like I had wings and could fly
when we are together
I feel like I could jump to the moon
when we are together
I never feel alone
so why did you have to go away?
And why did you have to break my heart?
Well that's fine with me
just so long as you leave the pieces behind
and I'll save them
because just maybe
you'll come back
and fix my heart with duck tape
because when we are together
I feel like I could live for eternity
when we are together
I feel like a I could run a million miles
when we are together
I never feel unhappy
so why are you ignoring me?
And why did you have to tear my heart in half?
Well that's no problem
just so long as you leave the pieces behind
and I'll save them
because just maybe
you'll start listening again
and fix my heart with duck tape
when we are together
I feel like I could swim the whole Pacific ocean
when we are together
I feel like I could just look in your eyes forever
when we are together
I never feel unloved
so why do you not love me anymore?
And why did you have to shatter my heart?
Well that's okay with me
just so long as you leave the pieces behind
and I'll save them
because just maybe
you'll start loving me again
and fix my heart with duck tape

Time

Ever get that feeling
that no matter what you do
what you say
or what you think
that the world will keep on going
with or without you?
That no matter how hard you cry
or how much strength
is in you
that the river just doesn't stop flowing
that feeling
tears at me
because no matter how much I want
time to just stop
the clocks always keep ticking
seasons continue on
rainy days in spring
days filled with heat in summer
fiery colors in fall
snowmen and snowball fights in winter
but I just want it to pause
I just want this moment
to stay forever
but no matter
how hard I try
the world keeps on spinning
the sun rises
and sets
I just want to hold your hand forever
but thats impossible
and my heart
beats in protest
because I want the world
to stop
yet I feel like no one hears
why can't God grant me this one wish?
So that maybe
just maybe
I can stay in this moment forever
with you
holding your hand

Masquerade

Why do I always feel
like everything I live for
everything I believe in
is a sham?
Why do I always feel
like a fake?
A hypocrite?
What is it I'm doing?
...
A fake smile
a mask
covers my face
hiding my true feelings
from the world
why do I wear this mask?
Am I afraid to let them see
the deeper part of me?
...
I speak out
on things I believe are right
but what is right?
And what is wrong?
Is it all just an act?
Is it all just a joke on humanity?
Or are we all in our own masquerade?
...
Each of us
with a mask
covering our true selves
our true feelings
glazed over eyes
pretending to care
but not really
...
Painted lips
smooth as honey
yet dripping with slime
bodies draped in satin
beautiful on the outside
yet underneath
a decaying corpse
I don't want this
....
Let me go!
Please!
Someone set me free!
...
Their glazed eyes
sweep over me
producing terror in my mind
their painted lips
whisper lies in my ears
I clutch at my head
their bodies draped in satin
dance around me
enveloping me
imprisoning me in a gilt cage
...
No!
I'm not like you!
Painted faces
swirl around me
mocking me
judging me
wearing me down
...
I sink into a pool
of performance
this play is my life
their glazed eyes
the windows to my soul
closed
their painted lips
the door to my mind
shut
their bodies draped in satin
the figure that holds my heart
concealed
...
My soul
my mind
my heart
clouded in a mist
of distortion
and I become the fake
I didn't believe
I was capable of becoming
...
A hypocrite
my life a sham
my mind brainwashed
tears trickle down my painted face
as I realize
how much the meaning ways
because I am part of it
...
Beguiled
I whisper to the naive
leading them into a chaos
of excellent performance
and I watch impassively
as their souls
minds
hearts
are clouded in the mist
of distortion
like mine once was
...
White lies
turn to gray
gray lies turn to black
black lies turn into an impenetrable
turmoil of trickery
...
We dance
around and around
in our filthiness
grinning
mocking
judging
...
Oh I fear
for the poor soul
that wanders into our midst
of deception and hypocrisy
for we will be the downfall
of that soul

Break Away

You whisper
ideas filled with love
oh but I don't know what I feel
I just want to break away
break away
you take me into your arms
but truthfully
I just want to escape
I thought it would be fun in the beginning
but now
it just seems like a burden
I'm lonely
and your words hold no comfort
no many how many times you tell me
you love me
no many how many times you hold me
your arms are a prison
I don't want this anymore
you look at me
blue eyes filled with hurt and disbelief
I'm sorry
I don't love you
I never did
my innocence
a mask for my player's heart
I just want to break away
break away
I try to escape
you grasp my hand
your lips move
begging me not to leave you
but I can't stay
all I feel is a raging desire to escape
your arms are a prison
surrounding my body
oh let me go
I want to live
and I feel like a flower
plucked and wilting for lack of water
I need to find new waters
I need to break away
break away...

A Gun Massacre

An insect buzzes
bumping into the window pane
trying to escape
confused by the wall that it cannot see
separating it from its freedom
...
Someone yawns
I try to study
literary questions suffocating my brain
stuffy air making me drowsy
in vain I try to keep my lids from falling
...
A scream
distant and muffled
reaches my ears
my mind jerking itself out of its reverie
...
Whipping my head towards my classroom door
as it slams open
revealing a man standing in its frame
I will myself to move
but I only stare
...
The raised weapon trembles
I stare in wide-eyed fear
as I feel metal tear through my chest
I look down in wonder
at the scarlet liquid bubbling up through my torn blouse
...
Slowly I raise my eyes
to stare into the cold gray eyes of my murder
“Why?”
I whisper
as I sink to the floor
...
My eyes once bright and blue
now dull and glazed over with the pain
screams resonate through my ears
as the raised weapon jerks
shattering glass falls around me in a jagged rain
...
An insect buzzes
and drifts through the shattered window pane
into the golden sunlight

A Wandering Child

A heart
beats in a small chest
the shivers of winter's breath
running up and down arms
chestnut hair
pulled and tossed
by an unrelenting tempest
sapphire eyes
leaking liquid diamonds
and freezing on pale cheeks
eyes that search the heavens
for an answer
kneeling on cruel and beautiful frost
snowflakes mixed with a chestnut mane
feet icy blue
crippled from wandering
a mind
exhausted from searching
ceases
hands red and marred
from striving
to find an answer
a heart
slows
in a frozen chest
slowly bent knees
fall
a fragile body
draped in an ethereal white
lies above a bed of snowflakes
under a black galaxy
stars gently flicker and glow
as a wandering child
gradually loses her warmth
and succumbs to a frigid world
eyes spent with seeking in vain
for an answer
flutter closed
a heart
finishes its span
a body pale and blue
lies frozen to a cruel frost
red lips let out a final breath
a thin trail of heat
whipped away by the harsh wind
a doe meanders into the small clearing
drawn by a bloodless form
dainty hooves lead the small creature
to the body
and letting out a small sigh
the doe
kneels and lies beside the frail figure
hoping perhaps to keep this small form warm
but its too late
a heart
is still
in the small frame
then suddenly
the doe leaps up and darts away
the gale ends
snowflakes fall no more
an immortal light shines
from the highest heavens
the delicate form bends its back
and out from the corpse's back
swell angelic wings
gently the wings begin to beat
raising the limp skeleton
amongst the shooting stars
through the gates
into an immortal afterlife
as the form passes the gates swing shut
the angelic wings slowly fold
as the body drifts to rest on a downy cloud
moments pass
a bright light approaches
and envelopes the corpse
slowly warmth spreads
throughout the poor form
a heart
once frozen
begins to slowly beat again
frost melts from the body
dripping to pool at the feet of One who saves
a hand caresses chestnut hair
sapphire eyes flutter open
and look upon the face of One who saves
a mind tries to grasp
and fails
but the One who saves carries the form
underneath a blossoming cherry tree
laying the wandering child down
amongst warmth and light
the child looks up into the eyes of her Saviour
“Are You the answer?”
the child whispers
a smile forms on the face of the One who saves
“I am who I am”
and the wandering child
enveloped in peace and light
becomes a wandering child no more

My Work of Art

Pencil tucked behind an ear
a small frown playing around my lips
my eyes closed
three lines on my paper
a writing block
refusing to let my fingers fly
I chew on my lip
concentration blocking out every living soul
a breeze floats through my open window
teasing my hair into curls
a thought
partnered with the wind
sparks my mind
slowly it starts to grow
causing my imagination to run wild
my fingers grasp the pencil once again
words and letters flowing from lead
to form what my heart has been trying to say
emotions running rampant
swirling into a pool of literature
a content smile upon my face
as I create my work of art
my poem